from a diary of macho cyclist

My gran stopped cycling her Dutch beater (weighs like 70lbs by the way) because she claims to be intimidated by lorries in tight spots. I told her to MTFU, ride defensively and ride in primary.

A female friend of mine says she uses the pavement when the traffic is too fast. Reminded her that she only has to keep up with the traffic and it won’t be a problem.

I was looking for some SPD shoes for my three-year-old. The guy at bike shop gave me a weird look. Bloody integrationist.

A colleague from work rides a Brompton (silly I know) and rides like a complete nodder. I always overtake him on my way to work and leave him well behind. The cheating bastard must take a bus or something later on, because after I get out of the shower and change into my suit, he’s already at his desk. Bloody nodders.

I told my wife that because of the recession we won’t be able to go for holiday this year. I hope she doesn’t find the new carbon frame and wheelset in the garage.

My wife found the wheels and frame and made me promise we go for holiday. We’ll be going to France, 2-24 July.

A mate of mine thought about picking up cycling. I emailed him my recommendation for the gear and bike. I managed to get it super cheap – less than £3000 and yet he won’t speak to me now.

I upgraded my daughters bicycle to a carbon frame. I can’t understand why she’s still mad about me getting rid of her pink lady bike.

I went for a bike ride with my family. After 15 minutes I turned around and they were nowhere in sight. I guess I’ll have to talk to them about keeping high cadence.

I had a huge argument with my wife when she put a pannier rack on her bike. I mean she’s like adding 906g to it. She said she needs it for shopping and stuff. I don’t get her – she can use the car for that.

I bought this beautiful Mad’one. Didn’t have any room in the garage for it, so it slept in our bed with us. My wife moved out to her mother. Never told me why.

My wife sold her road bike and bought a dutch city bike. Even though I warned her that the website didn’t mention the weight so it must weigh a ton. I think I’ll file in for divorce!

My wife got all my bikes in the divorce settlement. She sold them! 

I turns out my wife bought a mansion! Where has she taken that money from?!